Depression CAN Be Beaten

I think I am finally beginning to overcome the black hole of depression which has been following me for the last 18 months. And oh struth does it feel good...

It started in Sept 2006 when I had to give up my beloved nursing as I had suddenly developed epilepsy, consequently had to give up driving. Good for the planet but it made me sad, but hey, there is public transport! On top of that though, in early 2007, a ghastly family incident occurred. From then on I've lived on the edge of a black whirlpool, suddenly encased in an inability to function properly.

I started waking up very early in the morning, unable to rest any further; I over-ate; I ached all the time; I cried at the most ridiculous things; I lost my libido; I pushed away my wonderful man; I was SO tired; felt guilty about everything and anything; I kept forgetting things; couldn't concentrate long enough to get anything done; constantly had that 'butterfly' sensation in my solar plexus and actually twice worked out plans to commit suicide.

Under normal circumstances, that would trigger admission into a mental health unit, but I kept those thoughts inside myself, it felt warm, as if I was finally back in charge. Scary.... Each time, luckily, my daughters appeared in my dreams, I saw them devastated at my funeral and they pulled me back.

Depression, sadly, still holds a stigma in some folks minds, mine too. I kept thinking 'I had such an important job, how can I not manage to get washed today'? I refused to admit there was anything wrong and fought any suggestions that I needed to see a doctor. Me, see a psychiatrist? You have got to be joking... Bad, bad decision, I lost at least 6 months of help.

Eventually I did make it to my GP surgery and spent half an hour sobbing on my doctor's shoulder - literally. From that day on, there have been many people fighting to help me get my life back on course. Wonderful, kind, considerate people. Unexpected people like the GP receptionist, who, one morning last autumn, witnessed my hysterical reaction to being told there were no appointments available till the next day, realised I really did need to see someone THEN. Not in an hour, not at the end of surgery, but then. I had sought sanctuary after a night of appalling suicidal thoughts. Thank you Jane x

Pills didn't really help, in as much as they left me completely gaga, OK, they took away the bad thoughts and emotions, but didn't get to the root of ''why'?. I found my salvation in hypnotherapy and councelling. It took time and at times, it really hurt, but that's all part of the healing process. I still make sure I listen to my hypnotherapy tape at least 3 times a week - it helps me relax and keeps up the healing process. Think I'll probably always have it around even when all this is a distant memory....

My local MIND center has also been fantastic support, with an ongoing eco-project. It has an allotment locally, where we can meet up, grow flowers and veg, have picnics, get some fresh air and exercise and generally chill out amongst new friends.

So guys, if you feel really low, if you are getting suicidal thoughts - go and get help, NOW. It does help, talking helps, admitting you have a problem helps. Go on, try it :)

Now for the good news - I actually managed to go for a job interview and am waiting to hear if I can at last, start earning again.

Wish me luck!
Sue x